By Colin W., Renascent Alumni

Step 9 of the Twelve Steps reads: “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

This step is both one of the most challenging and one of the most transformative parts of recovery. It takes the personal accountability of earlier steps and translates it into action in the real world. Where Step 4 and Step 8 involved looking inward and making a list of those harmed, Step 9 asks us to face those truths in practice by repairing relationships, wherever possible, through amends. Upon completion of Step 4, most of us realize that the list of names we had fearlessly written were now those we needed to make amends with. We call this a “harms done” list.

I thought that getting together with someone in my “harms done’ list and saying, “I am sorry,” looking them in the eye, would bring me the peace I longed for, but I was wrong. I called my sponsor to let him know I had done my first amends, and that I felt…empty. My sponsor sat me down and explained amends to me.

The Meaning of Amends

Amends are not simply apologies. While apologies acknowledge wrongdoing, amends are about changing behavior, restoring integrity, and repairing the damage done, whenever possible.
Saying “sorry” can sometimes ease my own guilt, but it is more about me than the person I hurt. Making things right requires acknowledgment and action. Whether that means repaying a debt, admitting dishonesty, or showing through consistent behavior that change is real. This difference matters.

Words may soothe, but actions rebuild trust.

While Step 9 requires courage, as it often involves confronting people we’ve hurt. The fear of rejection, anger, or painful memories can feel overwhelming, and yet, the process offers a profound opportunity for healing, not only for those we have harmed but also for ourselves.

Equally important is the caution built into the step: “except when to do so would injure them or others.” This reminder helps prevent causing more harm. Some situations, such as reappearing in the life of someone who has moved on or does not want contact, might reopen wounds. In such cases, an indirect amends may be a good option. Such as writing a letter never sent, donating to charity, or committing to service, which honours the spirit of the step without creating further pain.

My sponsor has often told me that we grow through discomfort. This is advice I have dished out myself over the past years to those I sponsor. A lot of my stories have embarrassment or punitive consequences during times when important lessons were learned, bringing me to a place to humility and willingness to change.

The big challenge is to push through or face fears. Fear of confrontation and unrealistic expectations. In my case, unrealistic expectations were a primary factor in Step 9 for me.

How I approached Step 9

I wanted the relationship with my father and sisters repaired as soon as I said my piece. I hope this example is helpful.

My sister had not spoken to me in a decade. I set up a call to make an amends, and for me this was the big one. The second name on my list, but the one I was most afraid to face. I started by acknowledging what I had remembered, and together, we went through my cycle of behaviours, broken promises, and let-downs as a big brother. She told me I was her hero growing up and when she witnessed the harm done to my father, she had decided I could not be in her life. When we had completed this walk through the past, I asked if I had left anything out, or if there was anything else she wanted to tell me. At that point, she told me how appreciative she was that we had done this, but she was not yet ready to accept me into her life. She did say that it was possible this could change in the future. I thanked her for the opportunity, and I meant it.

Now in my fifth year of sobriety, my sister video calls me once a week with my baby nephew; my father also calls at least one a week; and I visit often these days. In all areas of life, I am completely fulfilled. My baby sister and I are closer than ever, and I am an uncle.

Once the amends are made, it is crucial we have patience with the people we have hurt. Some may not invite us into their lives, and some may not be available to speak. Accepting that everything is happening the way it is supposed to happen is the biggest piece of the solution. Your wellbeing is the most valuable asset.