In early summer 2021, Blake began to suspect that something was very wrong with his son, Ryan. Ryan’s friends mentioned that his behavior had changed, and he would occasionally dissociate from the world around him. By August of that year, Ryan called his father seeking help; Ryan’s wife had asked him to leave their home.
For more than 2 years, Ryan struggled with his mental health and alcohol abuse, which deeply affected his father as well.
“My entire world was consumed by Ryan’s mental health and addiction; it’s all I could think about,” Blake shared candidly. “I lived in a world of total despair. It was impossible for me to find joy in anything. Occasions that should have brought happiness just didn’t matter.”
Blake’s feelings are common among parents of individuals struggling with addiction.
“As the parent of an addict, you live in a world of the unknown, especially if they don’t live with you. I experienced both situations. When Ryan lived with us, although we saw his pain and suffering daily, we were at least experiencing it with him and were there to help. When Ryan wasn’t living with us, I had no idea how he was doing, and my thoughts would often go to the darkest places,” Blake shared.
Ryan’s struggles persisted as he moved from living in a Provincial Park to his father and stepmother’s home, then temporarily to a mental health program. He battled suicidal ideation and was eventually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
“At first, we didn’t recognize that he was an alcoholic. We thought his challenges were mostly with mental health,” Blake shared.
For a short time, Ryan seemed to improve, but he took a turn for the worse. His marriage ended, and one day, fearing Ryan was experiencing suicidal ideation, Blake rushed to Ryan’s home.
“We found him very intoxicated, sitting in his garage. I got him up to bed and he went to sleep. He woke up the next day and said that was enough,” Blake shared.
A friend’s relative connected Ryan to Renascent. Blake knew his son needed treatment immediately and enrolled him in Renascent’s Complete Care Program. Blake also attended Renascent’s Family Program to further his own healing and recovery.
“Renascent helped Ryan turn his life around. He absorbed everything they had to offer and became a different person,” Blake said proudly. “Ryan now attends 12-step meetings regularly. He regained custody of his four children, has a new job, and his focus is now on looking after his kids and doing service for his homegroup.
There are times when he still struggles but is quick to seek the help that he needs to regain focus. He’s the strongest, most courageous and loving person I’ve ever known and I’m very proud of him.”
Blake’s journey of recovery has been challenging but rewarding. He shares the following suggestions with other parents.
Get Connected: Before this experience, I had very little knowledge of addiction. It had never touched my family or me personally. Now, I attend family meetings on Tuesday nights and go to monthly alumni online meetings. I also participate in weekly Al-Anon meetings. These connections have been invaluable, even if I don’t go as often as I used to.
Utilize Al-Anon: I highly recommend Al-Anon. It provides a supportive family where you are not judged, and you can share your experiences openly. I attend Al-Anon every Saturday morning online and have found personal therapy beneficial. Speaking with someone detached from the situation has helped me process the mental challenges I’m facing.
Shelf Victimhood: One key lesson I’ve learned is that we are not victims of this situation. Neither Ryan nor we see ourselves as victims. Ryan is a success story, and he’s never viewed himself as a victim. Viewing yourself as a victim leads to constant blaming of others. It’s crucial for your loved one to take ownership and accountability for their addiction. Without this, true and lasting recovery is impossible.
Be Accountable: It’s important to take responsibility for yourself. In Al-Anon, we learn that we are not responsible for, nor can we control or cure, the alcoholic’s problem. Understanding this has been a significant revelation.
Acquire Acceptance: I’ve learned that I can’t control this situation and must let Ryan go through his journey, even though it’s very difficult. This realization was huge for me. I’ve had to learn to be less controlling and more accepting.
Learn about Detachment: Loving detachment was the hardest concept for me to grasp. You should not try to be “the fixer.” I’m guilty of this, but through my journey, I’ve begun to learn and improve.
Practice Patience: Patience is crucial. Take it one day at a time and avoid getting ahead of yourself. I now suffer from anxiety, which I didn’t have before. It’s important to stay reflective, calm, and not overreact. Try to take a breath before reacting to situations.
Honor Individuality: Everyone’s journey and reactions are different. I was fortunate that Ryan was willing to take responsibility, but not everyone will.
Hold on to Your Network: Family and friends are vital for both the addict and the caregivers. My wife Lynda, Ryan’s siblings and a few close friends helped me through the darkest times.
Mindfulness and Self-Care: Try to live in the present. Don’t dwell on the past or try to predict the future. Focus on what you can do today for both your loved one and yourself. Self-care is extremely important. Remember the three C’s taught in Al-Anon: you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it.
Stop Catastrophizing: Take a breath, give yourself time to process what’s happening, and then try to act rather than react.
