In Step 1 “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.”
My name is Edwin and I am an alcoholic and addict.
Why am I here?
I am here because I have no other choice. Yet, today I am free.
I joined these anonymous programs because addiction controls me, not the other way around.
When I am in active addiction, I am no longer a brother, a son, an employee, a taxpayer, a law-abiding citizen, a friend, or a boyfriend. What I am, is a vessel for my addiction.
My whole being exists solely for the purpose of getting high. That’s it.
If my stash was running low; or you, or anything outside or my drug use was in my way. Watch out, an amends had to be made cause I had to get high. (Enter explicit here) you, get me high then I’ll work; then I’ll listen; then I’ll grocery shop; then I’ll hold your hand; then I’ll talk to you; then I will listen to music; then I will eat; then I will sleep.
That’s why I joined. Not because I wanted to, believe me you, but because I wasn’t living a life worth living.
Due to this treatment centre, and these anonymous programs, today I stand as a free man, standing on my own two feet – not conforming to anyone else’s ideas or routines.
My sister with whom I have a relationship today as a result of this program, calls these anonymous programs a cult. Little does she know that I was dying one use at a time, and this “cult” saved my life. I tell her that this cult gave your brother back, an uncle to her children, a son to my parents, a friend to my friends, an employee for my employer. All this would be lost if I take that first hit.
That the groundhog effect of going to sleep with a solemn promise that this will be my last joint. Only to wake up, to walk my drug buddy with four legs to a dispensary and get my next hit made me suicidal. It was a pain like no other, and my will was non-existent.
This cycle repeated itself over and over again to the point where I contemplated and even more dangerously planned suicide off a viaduct.
Powerless? Yes, you bet. Insane. Yep.
So for me, I was left with three options, continue to live in groundhog day contemplating death, being institutionalised or accept spiritual ideas.
I didn’t have time or energy to think of what God is or isn’t. Rather I saw people who smoke like me, more importantly, felt like me get sober. Not only getting sober, but living a life full of freedom, happiness, and serenity.
Therefore, I had to forgive myself, before I could even begin to think of forgiving others. The steps are meant to be taken in order, once they’re worked on. I can safely forgive myself, and then ask for the forgiveness of others for the damage I’ve done.
