Ask a Family Therapist: If our family is not enabling, what are we doing?

Ask a Family Therapist: If our family is not enabling, what are we doing?

Ask a Family Therapist

with Sunil Boodhai, MSW (RSW), BEd., manager of Renascent’s Family Care Programs, therapist and counsellor.

Q: I’ve been reading your column and I like many of the things you have been saying. However, I feel like your responses are a bit simplistic. It’s easy to talk about enabling as a major issue when someone is an alcoholic, but not everyone enables. My dad is an alcoholic and my mom is clearly the enabler, but my youngest sister won’t talk about my dad and his drinking, and my elder sister is trying to solve the problems by always being there for my mom. Neither of my sisters are enabling my dad but nothing is getting better. Why is this happening?
– Ted

A: Hello Ted, and thank you for writing in. Of course, you are absolutely correct that there is always more than just enabling going on in a family situation like yours. The reason we at Renascent treat addiction as a family disease is because we know that even though everyone is not always enabling, each family member tends to take on specific and often overlapping roles in order to keep the family system functioning.  These roles create emotional and psychological strain because they are not genuine to the people playing them. In fact, each role exists and functions with the singular aim of keeping the family together by any means necessary, rather than addressing the real issue at hand. I’m going to outline each role here and hopefully some of this makes sense to you. Remember that no one person owns any role at all times. People can often change roles as the circumstances dictate, and sometimes one person can take on a number of roles at the same time.

 

1. Chief Enabler  You have identified your mother as the chief enabler of your father’s addiction. She would be the person making excuses for him, and not setting acceptable boundaries for him to follow. She is hoping that by being good to him, he will see the error of his ways and stop drinking. Many of her needs remain unfulfilled and even though she is stressed and tired, her focus stays on picking up the pieces from the messes made by your father. She has not accepted the seriousness of your father’s disease, and his disease is dependant on her enabling to continue.
2. Family Hero/Perfect Child  From what you’ve described, this role seems to be occupied by your elder sister. The Family Hero is usually the person picking up the slack left by the chief enabler, who leaves their usual responsibilities behind to focus on the addict. If your father has been drinking for a long time, your sister has often been your substitute mother. The Family Hero is an overachiever at school and always get good grades. They also participate in after school activities and are a shining light in the family of all that is good. The Family Hero is in constant pursuit of perfection, almost as a defence mechanism to the chaos at home. They want to be good enough to inspire the addiction to go away. They feel that if they continue to be perfect everyone will eventually notice and go back to being good parents in charge of a good family. The reality is that the Family Hero eventually crumbles under the intense pressure to keep being perfect, especially when all of their efforts go unnoticed and unrewarded. Your elder sister sounds like she is the primary supporter of your mother. They depend on each other to continue acting out their unhealthy roles while the addiction remains unaddressed.
3. Family Scapegoat  This person is the opposite of the Family Hero. The Family Scapegoat usually acts out defiantly and performs poorly at school and/or work. The Scapegoat knows that they will not get much attention within the current family dynamic and is not willing to work as hard as the Family Hero to be noticed. They seem to be surrounded by problems and often become the focus of the family looking for excuses to not focus on the addiction. In fact, when the addict is not intoxicated, they often look to this person as the source of all the problems within the family. This opinion is supported by the Chief Enabler because they do not want to blame the addict for any issues for fear of relapse, and the Family Hero blames the Family Scapegoat because the Hero believes the Scapegoat should know better. The Hero is often resentful of the Scapegoat because while the Hero is high-achieving and under-appreciated, the Scapegoat is low-achieving and gets a great deal of attention, even if it is negative in nature.
4. The Lost Child  This is the person in the family who fades into the background and gets no attention. They are assumed to always be okay, but are in fact painfully alone. This person shuts down their emotions and pretends to not have any needs. They do well enough at school and/or work to not put any strain on the family that is barely staying afloat. The Lost Child believes that if they make any noise by having any needs or asking for anything, they might cause the addict to act out. They often disconnect from the family and seek to have their needs met through friends and associates.
5. The Family Mascot  As the name might suggest, this is the person in the family who is never able to treat any situation seriously. They do not deal with emotions well and will rely on comedy and laughter for relief. Beneath this laughter lies a great deal of insecurity and instability that is never addressed. The Mascot receives a great deal of attention due to their jovial mood and offers the family fun and humour in an otherwise dire situation.

 

Ted, these are the roles often adopted by various members of a family when addiction becomes a disturbing factor in the family. They function as a rather unhealthy system that is designed to prop up, enable, and manage the behaviour of the addict. However, each family member performing their role has essentially forgotten about themselves and their own true goals and desires. They are living their lives in reaction to the actions of the addict, rather than in response to their own personalities, strengths, hopes, and dreams. The system is built in such a way as to allow the addict to continue their substance use. Only when the system changes can the family regain themselves and no longer live in reaction to the addict. Family members need to begin living authentically, making the choices that are right for them and without giving any consideration to protecting the addict or anyone else in the family. I hope this explanation of common family roles has allowed you to see that beyond a single person being an enabler, there is often a complex system created out of survival, and it will hamper any possible improvement and healing for the family or the addict.

 

To learn more about Renascent’s various Family Care Programs or to submit a question of your own, contact Sunil at sboodhai@renascent.ca or 416-927-1202, ext. 3010.

 

The staff at Renascent is passionate about helping people with substance addictions so they can reach their full recovery – with compassion, respect, empathy and understanding. Our staff includes our counsellors, all of whom have lived experience of addiction and recovery.

Ask a Family Therapist: how am I enabling my partner?

Ask a Family Therapist: how am I enabling my partner?

Ask a Family Therapist

with Sunil Boodhai, MSW (RSW), BEd., manager of Renascent’s Family Care Programs, therapist and counsellor.

Q: My husband Albert is an alcoholic and has not sought treatment. My children tell me that I am enabling their father to continue drinking. I don’t give him alcohol and I tell him that I wish he would stop drinking every time he becomes intoxicated. I do not understand, how am I enabling him?
– Tammy

A: Hi Tammy. Thank you for your question. Enabling is a term that is used frequently when speaking about family members of people with addiction issues. Enabling is not any one behaviour, but a complex set of behaviours in relation to the addict and their drive to continuing using their substance. It’s not uncommon for people to enable an addict without realizing they are doing it.

Here are a few instances where people commonly enable their addicted loved ones without actually knowing they are doing so:

 

1. Keeping up appearances. In an earlier column I discussed “the elephant in the living room.” In these scenarios, everyone knows about the addiction but nobody says anything about it. When people are not willing to talk openly about the addiction, or avoid naming the addiction, that’s an example of enabling behaviour.
An extension of this is keeping secrets from each other when you know a problem exists. If your husband’s drinking is causing problems for him and you are not telling your adult children about it, you are enabling your husband. In protecting him from facing the consequences of his children knowing about the effects of his addiction, you are allowing the addiction to go on. His active addiction is relying on you to keep secrets. You think you are doing the right thing by protecting your children from worrying or becoming stressed as a result, but your good intentions are working against you, and you’re unknowingly enabling your husband’s addiction to continue.
Furthermore, if you have ever made an excuse for your husband, you are enabling him. This includes covering for him when he’s late for work or doesn’t show up to a family event. Once again, his addictive behaviours and his drive to continue using his substance are dependent on you to make excuses for the addiction to continue. And again, your intentions might be good: you are preventing him from losing his job, and not causing family members to worry or gossip about your family, but those intentions are working against you and your family in the long run. These are the more common ways of enabling; it can be even more complicated and subtle.

 

2. The Magic Cure. This is when your husband is sober and getting back to being his wonderful self. He begins to act like the man you married all those years ago. This is real and not an act, so during this time you begin to think that he has overcome his addiction. Somehow, something miraculous has happened to finally make him turn a corner and recognize the evil of his ways! And because his behaviour is so great, you also put the addiction out of your mind. You do this because you do not want to spoil the good mood he’s in — you do not want to talk about anything sensitive because you might cause him to become defensive or angry, and he might start drinking again.
The sad news is that there’s no magic cure for addiction, and chances are he will be drinking again in due time. Therefore, not addressing the addiction during those positive times is in fact enabling. It is by no means your sole responsibility to talk about the addiction, but you must become brave enough to talk about addiction with your husband while he is sober, rather than when he is drunk. You might even invite your children to join this conversation when their father is sober.

 

3. The Bargain. Recovery for you as the spouse of an alcoholic means taking an honest look at yourself and evaluating your shortcomings or weaknesses. Where are the points in your life where you find yourself completely dependent on your husband? If you find yourself bargaining with yourself because you fear that you may not be able to do something in your own and therefore you are constantly rescuing your husband from feeling the consequences of his addiction, you are enabling him.
The most common example of this is usually financial, and is wrapped up in the fear of upending a lifestyle to which you have become accustomed. To skirt around that possibility, you bargain with yourself about how much to “push this issue” because of what it might mean for your marriage and your home and your ability to maintain your lifestyle without your partner’s support. These worries keep you in a place of doubt and fear and prevent you from addressing your husband’s addiction.
My answer to this is to not worry too much about the future, but address the issue in front of you today. You cannot control the outcome, but you have to believe that no matter what changes you may have to make, you will survive this process.

 

Tammy, these are just some ways enabling happens beyond the ways we usually have in mind. I hope this has sparked some ideas for you to facilitate change in your behaviour. As I am in the habit of doing, I urge you to find the nearest Al-Anon meeting in your community and commit to attending regularly. It will help you to see your role in your husband’s addiction more clearly, and give you the strength to make some of the changes necessary to stop enabling your husband.

To learn more about Renascent’s various Family Care Programs or to submit a question of your own, contact Sunil at sboodhai@renascent.ca or 416-927-1202, ext. 3010.

The staff at Renascent is passionate about helping people with substance addictions so they can reach their full recovery – with compassion, respect, empathy and understanding. Our staff includes our counsellors, all of whom have lived experience of addiction and recovery.