By Matthew, Renascent Alumni
“Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
When I first got sober at 23, I picked the Steps that I wanted to complete. I did Steps 1, 2, 3 and a few others, including Step 9. I apologized to some people and decided to do better. After a few years I relapsed.
My new sponsor took me through the Steps. He instructed me to categorize the people I needed to make amends to. So I had a list of business acquaintances, friends, and family. I tackled the easier ones first. If you start with friends and family, then you gain some experience before tackling the more challenging amends.
I made index cards with my list of amends and put symbols next to them:
· + + meant I would reach out and was willing to make amends
· – – meant I was not willing to make amends
· + – meant either I knew where the person was and I was not willing or vice versa.
I did have to pray for the willingness to complete the amends for some people. In some cases, I would cross paths with them and would take that as a sign that I should go ahead and make the amends.
Over the years you may have to make more amends. You may even find that you have to make amends for things that were not intentional.
I’ve found that the longer you have been sober, the harder it is to do amends. I felt it was harder because you think people have higher expectations of you.
I actually don’t make full amends before moving on with my steps. My sponsor told me to get started with a few amends, then we continued on with Steps 10, 11 and 12. This helped me to continue making progress in my recovery.
For the amends that I wanted to make and didn’t, I wrote a letter and burned it. It’s always the amends that I didn’t want to make that ended up being most impactful.
When I was in the depths of my addiction, I damaged the property of a school in my neighbourhood. It was many years earlier, but when I asked my sponsor about it, he said I needed to speak to the school’s principal.
I went one day before school opened and spoke with the Assistant Principal who started to cry when I apologized. She asked if she could give me a hug and said she’s seen a lot but she has never seen this. She asked me if she could tell one other person, then she went to the custodian and told him. He too started to cry. He said from one recovering person to another, my apology meant a lot.
Language is really important when making amends. I have to use words that I wouldn’t normally use. Words like, “sorry” and “I apologize” aren’t good. People are tired of hearing those words. I said things like, “I regret that I caused this harm to you.” I’d say what harm I cause, then ask them if there is anything they think I missed. Then I’d ask them how I can make it right?
I’ve learned that there’s a certain way to make acceptable amends – a phone call or text is no good. An email or an in-person amend is best. If my initial contact with someone is via text or social media, I ask them for permission. I ask if we can have a chat so that I can make the amends. You can’t just jump back into people’s lives. You ask permission and if they say no, give the situation to God.
Freedom is what I felt as a result of this Step. I feel like that is what the whole 12-Step program is about. That’s what the steps give me – freedom from the desire to use and freedom to move forward with this.
