2017-2018 Annual Report: The Road to Recovery

 When I came to this time, something had changed. I spent twelve days in the hospital and when I was discharged, my only option was a men’s shelter. I spent nine weeks there and fortunately, a woman there insisted I go to Renascent. So there I was on that porch in September. I took a deep breath, picked up all my belongings in a garbage bag, and walked through the door. My first impression was “Wow, what a beautiful place!” I had no idea that rehabs were so beautiful, and later found out that Renascent was the exception. The first man I met smiled, shook my hand, and said “Welcome, I’m glad you are here.” It was a glimmer of hope.

The first three days were tough because I had stopped taking valium suddenly. I was a mess. I couldn’t sleep or eat, I cried uncontrollably, and couldn’t stop shaking. The counsellors were tough too, but compassionate, which was exactly what I needed. One counsellor spent hours with me working on my breathing and calming me down. Even the kitchen staff were amazing. Whenever I’m in Toronto, I drop by to say hi and give thanks. Over time the counsellors introduced me to the program that not only saved my life, but gave me a life full of gratitude and purpose. The Alumni Night changed my life and gave me hope, as these happy and healthy men told us the awful stories of their addictions and how they had recovered. They graciously stayed and answered my many questions. At this point, I believed that I could follow in their footsteps and so I did. As the days passed, the residents bonded and created a beautiful synergy. I remember sitting out on that same front porch one night after a meeting and we were laughing. It had been years since I had last laughed, and suddenly I was freely crying tears of gratitude. When my time at Punanai was drawing to an end, I followed my counsellor’s advice and applied for a spot at a long-term care centre in Brockville. On my last day at Punanai, a spot opened up for me but I had no money to make the journey there. I walked into the counsellors’ office and asked them what I should do. They told me to trust in my higher power.

An hour and a half later my fellow residents handed me the money I needed; they had all pitched in to pay for my train ticket. I promised the men that I would remain sober and come back on Alumni Night to speak, and that I would return the money into the Alumni Fund, both of which I have since done. I believe that God’s will for me is to be happy and help others. I have been doing his will to the best of my ability. I have started an AA group, worked in corrections for five years, and have had the privilege to sponsor many men. I believe that doing God’s work has kept me alive because two years ago I was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer and given two months to live. I did not drink. Instead I embraced life.

My new motto is “Too busy living to die.” Today I have been sober for ten years. I feel great and am very happy. There is absolutely no way that I would be where I am without the care from Renascent and the staff at Punanai. I do not have the words to adequately express my gratitude, so I will just say thank you. Peace and Love, Cliff Hauswirth

They helped me and took the time to listen and share my anger, my tears, and my frustrations. The counsellors were always moving me forward and giving me hope. I was not treated like I was less-than or given any doubts; I was just told the realities of the disease that I needed to hear. Then I got into Renascent’s Continuing Care program, which I’ve always wanted to do. I truly dedicated myself this time around and I really enjoyed it.

My family also did the Children’s Healthy Coping Skills Program, so that the kids could learn about how addiction is a family disease, what’s been going on, and understand that it’s not their fault. The Parenting In Recovery program also really helped a lot. I think about Renascent a lot; I’m just grateful for what the staff members have done by always keeping their doors open, and always being just a phone call away. When I finished the program they were there for me and Renascent will forever be in my heart. I will always let people know about Renascent and you know I’m really grateful for this program — thank you!

By God’s grace I celebrated one year of sobriety on August 18, 2018 all because Renascent was there for me when I was not there for myself.

I finally felt “okay.”

We often talk about how alcoholism is a progressive disease and for me, my downward spiral happened faster than I could blink. Four months after my first drink I was introduced to other mind-altering substances. Seven months after my first drink I had already been hospitalized numerous times for multiple suicide attempts. Nine months after my first drink, I had been introduced to intravenous opiate use, something that would ultimately bring me to more pain than I could ever imagine, death and, but for the grace of God, Renascent’s Graham Munro Centre. I was in and out of the youth shelter system, Children’s Aid, and the psychiatric care system for the majority of my teenage years. The streets of Toronto became more familiar than the back of my hand. I was one of those kids that people walk by everyday and likely never give a second thought to.

When I was 15, I met someone who promised they would take care of me and at that point that was all I wanted, because I had no idea what that felt like or how to do it myself. Unfortunately, his definition of “taking care of me” differed from mine and I was both quickly and forcefully brought into the world of human trafficking. Similarly to when I was younger, I was back in a place where all I knew were feelings of fear, loneliness, not being in control, and now hopelessness. I had become not only a shell of a person from my alcoholism and drug addiction, but I had been taught to see myself as a piece of property. I lost all concept of what my worth was, I had no confidence, faith, or belief that things could ever change or get better. I couldn’t stop drinking and using; it had become more than just an addiction to me — it had become my only method of survival.

In 2015, I had reached a point where I could no longer fathom living the way I was living. I was barely existing, my heart was still beating and I was still breathing, but there was not a moment in the day that I was not sedated by something, but even that had become too hard. Knowing that I couldn’t keep drinking and using anymore and believing that I couldn’t get sober, I was left with only one option: suicide. I was drinking and using anything and everything I could get my hands on, putting myself in horrifying situations, praying to overdose or get killed. That was the only solution I could think of to solve this problem I called “life.”

Two months before coming into Renascent, I overdosed and flat-lined. This had happened numerous times prior to me getting sober, but this time I was told how close I was to being pronounced dead before EMTs and ER staff managed to resuscitate me. Later, as an involuntary patient at a psychiatric hospital, my agreed conditions of being discharged were to attend a treatment centre. That treatment centre was Renascent. From the time I walked in the door, I experienced a feeling that was foreign to me. I was finally in a safe place with people who promised that they would take care of me, showing me what that actually meant.

At Renascent, and through the Graham Munro Centre, I was able to learn and experience what unconditional love and support was. I was taught not only how to live again, but how to live with integrity, honesty, dignity, and grace. I was shown that there is always still hope, even if I can’t see it in the moment, and on the days when everything feels too hard, I had people there who believed in me until I could believe in myself. I am able to look at myself in the mirror now, see that I am a sober woman of value and worth, and know that the only person I belong to is me. There have been many people and many situations in my life that have tried to break me, but the Graham Munro Centre team saw the potential in me that seemed to be invisible to the rest of the world. They showed me how to become a strong woman in recovery and, within the walls of that house, the scared little girl I had been for 18 years was finally shown a different way to live. I was given a way out and suicide was no longer my solution.

I am now 21 years old, and have been sober since January 23rd, 2016. I have a life that I never could have imagined would be possible for “someone like me.” I went back to school in sobriety, graduated with high honours in addiction counselling, and will be attending university this fall. I am confident in my ability to have a future and because my days no longer revolve around drinking, using, or cycles of abuse, I plan to become a lawyer. In sobriety, I am now able to have goals, and one of the most important ones to me is to make a difference in someone’s life the way a difference was made in mine. I am able to be present in my own life and the lives of others; I am able to see that there is still beauty in the world and I have learned how to trust again.

Today I am able to have faith that, even in sobriety and at life’s most difficult times, there is still hope, everything is going to be okay, and picking up a drink or drug won’t fix anything. Today, I am finally able to say that I know what happiness feels like. Gratitude doesn’t begin to cover how I feel about the organization or the people who didn’t give up on me when it seemed as if everyone else had. All that has ever been asked of me in return for everything I have been given, is to live the best life that I can. Thank you for my sobriety.