By Colin W., Renascent Alumni
I have tried getting and being sober since my first treatment center at age 16 and it just never stuck. I thought for years that the reason for this was that I never truly believed I was an alcoholic or an addict. So when I would commit, naturally this reservation I had would collapse any foundation to maintain a sober lifestyle. I was wrong, this was not the reason at all. I would not have wanted to be sober if was not an addict.
I had some years here and there, maintained a career at times, and built what looked to be a normal life from outside appearances. Then I would watch as I burned it all to the ground again. I did meetings, had a sponsor, worked some steps, and even got into some service commitments and yet this whole cycle would repeat itself.
Each time things would get worse than the previous relapse, and towards the last years of substance use, the time out there damaging myself was longer and more intense, with consequences that not only locked me up, but hurt the people who are dearest to me today.
I remember that last homeless New Year’s Eve spent under a staircase in the freezing cold in 2020, without anything on my feet, reliving memories of loneliness, trauma and heartbreak, and thinking to myself, “This is it for me. What will my parents think when I am found here? How am I ever going to stop?”
I have spent a lot of time reflecting on these past years and I have asked myself what was missing. Why did things get to where they did, and what is the difference today?
At that first treatment center I mentioned above I made my very first real connection to another human being. I also spoke my first very honest sentence in a group. This was the first seed that was planted. I spent three decades attempting long-term sobriety without remembering this connection.
When I was admitted to Renascent Paul J. Sullivan Center for opiate addiction (and more), I was taught more about the importance of connection; connection to a power greater than myself and connection to people. I learned that relationships are a key factor in building and maintaining a sober life. I learned that principles such as honesty, integrity, and humility help strengthen my personal program of action. I also learned that dealing with issues in relationships is a normal part of life.
In those three or so decades of getting sober, relapsing, coming back, slipping, falling on my face, starting again, and pushing forward just to fall and get back up, I never connected to people. Connection was the one missing piece in all my life stories. So, once I added the principle of friendship, love, and willingness to the principles mentioned above something magical happened.
I realized that each time I tried to get sober back then, I picked up little lessons and experiences along the way. I used to think all those years were wasted attempts and failures. The truth is, they all got me to where I am today. A happy sober man with a life full of loving friends and family.
It’s so easy to think of yesterday with, “I could have…. I should have…if only I did this.”
I take this program very seriously. I work it to the best of my abilities, and because of that, my life is full and meaningful. I have been clean since June 1, 2021. If you are sober and struggling today, connect with some people. It will change things for the better.
