“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
Dr. Brené Brown
Building self-worth is an essential part of recovery. Along this journey, we have to learn how to let go of guilt, shame and self-doubt – the negative obstacles standing in our way of recovery.
Shame in particular, is a powerful barrier. Without self-worth, shame can lead us into isolating and destructive behaviours, things that damage our relationships with ourselves and others – and in turn fuel addiction and relapse.
When we can face shame head on, because we understand what it is and where it comes from, we begin to believe in ourselves and our ability to make changes toward the life we want and deserve in recovery.
Understanding shame
Shame is a natural emotion that everyone experiences. It’s a normal, though painful, part of being human.
Shame is the feeling that can make you have negative beliefs about yourself, like believing you are bad, damaged, helpless, undeserving of happiness, or a failure. When we feel shame, we might believe that we are different, inadequate, unworthy, or unlikable. We might have an overwhelming sense of vulnerability, as though all our flaws are being exposed and judged. We might want to hide or disappear to escape this feeling, even disconnecting from our relationships and lying to the people we love.
Usually, like any other strong emotion, shame will pass with time. But if you aren’t aware of your shame or how to cope with it, it can become a strong and driving force in your life and relationships.
Shame is also often confused with guilt, but they are very different. Guilt is a feeling about our behaviour, of having done something that is wrong or bad. Guilt can motivate us to take healthy action to correct or repair our wrong doings.
But with shame, we have a feeling about ourselves. We believe that we are bad. Because feeling ashamed can be so painful, people will do all kinds of things to avoid it.
The link between shame and addiction
Shame is a common response to difficult social environments and experiences from our childhoods, especially ones that are traumatic or secretive. It is linked to many mental health issues — including addiction.
Shame makes it difficult for people to see their potential, purpose, and self-worth. Instead, shame tells us we’re not good enough, that we’ll never be free of addiction and that we don’t deserve happiness – no matter what anyone else says otherwise. This can make it all the more difficult to take action toward healthy changes, and all the easier to hurt ourselves through drinking, drugs, and other harmful behaviours.
In this way, shame can create a destructive cycle with addiction, where the harmful behaviours give false hope of feeling better about yourself. When that doesn’t happen, the disappointment leaves room for more shame to creep in. Shame also makes people want to hide themselves, which makes it even harder to ask for help or seek treatment for addiction or relapse.
And while the shame-addiction cycle can feel daunting to try and break, it is more than possible. As Renascent alumni Alex explains in his post, there are negative feelings that can arise after a relapse, including shame, guilt, and remorse – but getting compassionate help each and every time you need it makes all the difference.
Overcoming shame (and why it matters)
At Renascent, we know that self-worth can feel fragile or elusive for people in recovery. But it’s one of the most vital aspects of a healthy life. Effective recovery programs like the 12-Steps focus on self-esteem as a pathway to building self-worth, which in turn helps us pursue our goals and maintain the strength needed to live a life free of addiction. For example, in treatment and recovery, you will:
- Practice self-forgiveness and learn to challenge negative, shame-based thoughts.
- Engage in therapy and counselling to address the source and solutions to shame and harmful self-beliefs.
- Gain a supportive community that understands, accepts and supports you.
- Take positive actions and make amends that reinforce a sense of purpose and self-value.
Building self-worth helps us overcome shame because it gives us more self-compassion: we understand and accept that mistakes do not define us and that we can move forward from them. This includes shifting your perspective on addiction: over time, your self-worth will help you see that addiction is not a personal weakness, but a disease and a challenge that you can overcome. And as your self-worth grows and strengthens, so will your connections to others, a positive cycle that fosters healing and recovery.
Most importantly, overcoming shame and honouring your worth promotes and protects your mental health. Self-worth reduces anxiety, depression, and feelings of hopelessness, making it easier to seek out and stay in recovery.
As this beautiful alumni post reminds us: “Learn that you are worthy of everything wonderful that is due to you. You have worth in this world, and you are needed by us. Your light is unique, your talents one-of-a-kind and your capacity to grow is limitless. Your usefulness to this world is beyond measure.”
How Renascent can help
We offer comprehensive person-centred addiction treatment programs in safe and caring environments. We use up-to-date, evidence-based approaches to treat addiction, including abstinence-based treatment that integrates 12-Step facilitation with modern clinical and medical best practices, and the highest quality standards of care.
Renascent deeply understands the unique individual journey that is necessary for your recovery. We are here to support you and guide you to define what your recovery means to you. Your Road to Recovery starts here.
About the Authors
Renascent Staff
The staff at Renascent is passionate about helping people with substance addictions so they can reach their full recovery – with compassion, respect, empathy and understanding. Our staff includes our counsellors, all of whom have lived experience of addiction and recovery.
