“Do it to me, baby.”
That’s what I say to my higher power every morning. It’s my personal, some may say freakish, way of saying “Thy will not mine be done.” Does this seem twisted to you? Well, more’s the pity. Because I say however you connect, whatever you connect with, the crucial thing is to connect.
When I first joined AA I was one of those with that whole thing we refer to as “The God problem.” Pray? Really? You gotta be kidding! It was so unnatural, so uncomfortable. “Do it anyways,” my sponsor told me. Any lengths. It’s always hardest the first time, and the second, and so on, until you know what? I kind of missed it when I didn’t do it.
This was the amazing gift that Renascent gave me: a time to be quiet and still in a safe place, and to know that my higher power always was, and always is, with me. I had been raised to know God, and somewhere along the line I let go of that guiding hand.
I recall sharing my very personal take on my higher power with a (special) AA friend, and being told it was disrespectful and wrong to refer to almighty GOD as “baby.” I had made that fateful mistake of falling into a relationship too early in my recovery and these words decimated me, eventually leading to a relapse. My sponsor had told me that we do not enter relationships in early recovery because we let that person become our higher power. I thought she was full of s@#*, until I came out the other end of my relapse. It’s exactly what I did. I let someone else’s judgement get in the way of my connection with my higher power.
When I started reading the Big Book, having my God hang-up, I substituted “universe” for “God.” I’ve heard others say this, and I think I made a good beginning. Then came nature, then the fellowship of AA, and ultimately what a very wise woman called “Mother/Father God.”
It doesn’t matter what you call it. It matters that you know you are not it.
These are so many conceptions of Higher Power, and I incorporate as many of them as I encounter. One friend calls hers “Wolfie” after her animal totem. Another sees and hears a choir of angels, who want only for her to be healthy and well. And some go to church, and kneel. I’m not really a church-goer. But on those occasions when I do go, I feel moved by spirit.
My recovery has brought many gifts, and I think the most special is faith. Faith that life gets better when we take the right steps. Faith that in our darkest hours, we are truly not alone. Call it whatever you want, but do call it. It is what makes the whole journey possible.
And the best part of connecting with your Higher Power – GRATITUDE. Thank you Mother/Father God, thank you Renascent and thank you AA. A life lived in gratitude is a life lived in light.