“Oh, I know all about self-sabotage,” Nancie shares. “I would binge use drugs, and in between I would talk myself in and out of using, only to ultimately concoct a story that made it a ‘good idea’ to start all over again.
I knew my loved ones didn’t approve, but at some point I had decided it was easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.”
Nancie’s addiction was heartbreaking to everyone in her life, she says, including her parents, children and partner, none of whom used.
“At the height of my addiction,” she reflects, “I would do things I would never do otherwise. I would steal; I would run away from the house for days at a time. I would do anything to get my drug of choice into my hands.
My children saw me take their Playstation and run away with it. How messed up is that?”
At Renascent Nancie met other mothers, including women who had hit bottom when they lost their children. “At first, I felt I wasn’t as ‘badly off’ as others,” she says, “because I hadn’t lost my children. But in treatment, I noticed the counsellors used the word ‘yet’ a lot. I hadn’t lost my kids yet – but that’s where things were headed if I kept moving down the path I was on.”
It was the wake-up call she needed.
“I just wanted to be my children’s mom,” she says. “That’s what I fought for — I didn’t want to lose them.”
As she pursued recovery, Nancie’s family rallied around her. “My support system pushed me to do better in life,” she says, “and they never gave up on me. They came to meetings with me, met me for coffee dates, took me to the grocery store. My mother, in particular, cared for me… She never disowned me; she never gave up. I am so thankful for her.
I know everyone has their own path to recovery and mine was kind of extreme in the beginning, but in hindsight it’s what worked for me.”
Also instrumental to Nancie’s recovery were the lessons of the Big Book and the guidance of her sponsor, who she says taught her how to be accountable and prioritize acting and thinking in new ways.
“I’ll always be an addict,” she reflects, “but today I’m living life like an adult. I have my children, I have a job, I’m paying the bills. I’m doing things so many things I wasn’t able to do while actively using.
It feels good.”
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Addiction can impact each family differently. Renascent provides a Children’s and Family Program that focuses on helping loved ones recovery from their family member’s addiction.
