by P.C.

I have my list for Step 8 from my Step 4 inventory. This step holds me accountable to the harms I have caused others. Step 8 awakens me to clarity. I have heard a common phrase in the rooms for years: “What is your part?” and I was asked to consider, could it all be your part? I discovered this to be more true, and I must take full responsibility for my thoughts and actions.

Al-Anon taught me that alcoholism is a family disease. The disease manifests as selfishness and self-centredness, not only in the alcoholic, but in the family member as well. I was also introduced to Al-Anon’s principle: “we can be happy, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.” I unfortunately did not heed this principle and suffered with the delusion that I could not be happy until Spencer, my son, was sober. My self reliance, driven by a hundred forms of fear and self pity, was how my disease manifested. I truly believed that I needed him to be different for me to be happy. I managed, manipulated, and mothered his life without awareness.

As my awareness of the disease grew, I was now on my path to recovery. I admitted I was powerless over wanting Spencer to be different, to be sober. And with this admission, I admitted the harms I had done. Because of this defect, I became obsessed with him and his life. The drama and pain were insurmountable for both Spencer and me. From the time he was 15 and for the next 10 years, I watched the disease progress from drinking and marijuana to OxyContin and injecting heroin. An inadvertent overdose of fentanyl finally took his life.

I am truly sorry that I worked harder on his life than on my own. My love was conditional, for it required that he get clean and sober. Little did I know that my disease had progressed just as fast as his.

Through the grace of God, the 12 steps, and loving sponsorship to guide me, I considered the question: are you willing to be happy whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not? Are you willing to change, to do the work, to experience happiness?

Brought to my knees, I admitted that I was a hopeless Al-Anon. I was open to a power greater than myself. It took Spencer’s death for me to realize my powerlessness⁠ — my disease. When I think anyone should be different than they are, I am causing harm to them and I will continue to make my list and be willing to make amends. I continue to ask God for help.

Through the process of the 12 steps, and Step 8 not being the least, I have recovered from this selfish self-centred disease, so long as I stay in fit spiritual condition. Thank you Al-Anon for showing me the path of happiness. Alcoholism is a family disease and I can be happy, no matter what. God is Good.