Step 1 calls us to admit we are powerless over alcohol, and initially that was hard for me.  I’d never been one to accept a higher power, and for the first part of my recovery I kept functioning as if I were in control.

Seven months after treatment, I relapsed. At first I told myself it was because I’d stopped making time to attend meetings, but the truth is that I’d confused abstinence and powerlessness. Because I hadn’t been drinking for months, I thought I had control. But if I’m powerless, I’m powerless forever – and eventually that caught up with me.

After I relapsed, it took four months to get back on track. During that time, I cycled through all five stages of grief, starting with denial, then anger and blaming everyone but myself. I tried to rebuild my life on old thinking. I told myself I could travel to Europe for work and not drink, but the moment I closed a successful negotiation, I ‘rewarded’ myself with alcohol. The last month of my relapse was terrible: blackouts, depression, and a cage of my own making.

Finally, I realized I had to surrender.  I reached out to my sponsor and started from scratch, this time with Step 1 as my true foundation.  Now I know I am powerless, and I am committed to complete honesty as the cornerstone of my recovery. 

And the truth is, nothing matters more than my sobriety.