By Colin W., Renascent Alumni
From my childhood through my teens, into adulthood, and through the trials [no pun intended] of addiction, my relationship with my family has been something I made complicated. I think it’s difficult to see things from someone else’s perspective [for example, my family’s] when being held firmly in the clutches of undiagnosed mental health issues and substance abuse/alcoholism.
It’s easy to say, “If I had known what I know now, back then, things would surely have been different.” But the truth is not so simple. Am I not the person I am today because of this horrific past I had? Or am I this person despite it? AA has a reading called “The [12] Promises.” And one of them says, “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.” I take serenity from that one. To me, it means that I must accept things as they are while remembering where I came from, and most importantly, it reminds me that this past made me who I am.
There was a time when my father, out of self-care and survival, said goodbye to me, hung up, changed the locks, and cut off all communication without any promise of reunification should I ever get myself well. The last thing he said was that I would have to figure things out myself. After years of lies, manipulations, and false promises, I had ended all relationships with my family. It may have been my dad who hung up, but this happened through my decisions and actions.
Once I entered recovery, I was able to see these patterns of what I called, “interpersonal theft.” I had stolen money, time, energy, and promises from my dad, mom and sisters. I came across Steps 8 and 9 while working with my sponsor, and I knew that I needed to acknowledge my actions to those I had harmed, starting with my dad. This was not going to be me saying “I am sorry.” It would be a conversation about some of the harder things I had done that directly impacted my father’s life. It took two different visits home to complete Step 9 with my dad. I am so fortunate that we were working out our relationship after everything.
I want to write about particular important amends that happened only this year with My little sister, Rachel. I took the train to Ottawa to spend the weekend after we had not spoken in 11 years. I approached her this January and said I did not want to lose more time without her. My heart sang when she replied she had meant to reach out and was so proud of me these days. We sat down in a beautiful park. She was 8 months pregnant and glowing. When I made my amends, she told me I was her hero growing up and seeing my father hurt had destroyed that image of me. We spent every day together for three days, and now I get to hold the sweetest baby as an uncle.
Today, I have the love and support of a large family worldwide. My mother lives in the UK, and my father and stepmother, in Ottawa. I have two amazing little sisters and recently I became an uncle. My understanding of family has profoundly changed with every year of sobriety I have experienced.
My girlfriend is coming home with me this Christmas for a family celebration. My parents both adore my girlfriend, Lynn. My motivation for family is evolving to the point where I would like to have one. I practice Step 12 daily by conveying hope and healing in many forms. I encourage anyone in my family to be courageous in making changes and fearless in their goals, and we laugh every Christmas at the stories that come up from my old days when I would show up in a fine mess.
One thing I have learned that stays with me is about expectations. Dave McWilliams, a primary counsellor at Sullivan House, taught me to “expect nothing, accept everything.” Each primary counsellor at that center has given me gifts of easy but important sayings that I carry with me on my journey through recovery.
Thank you, Renascent.
