By Colin W., Renascent Alumni

Step 8 – Made a List of All Persons we had Harmed and Became Willing to make Amends to Them All

My sponsor had to keep reminding me that there are many reasons why the Twelve Steps are in a certain order. Why did I keep making efforts to reorder this formula into ways that I thought would be more beneficial? In my brain, which was only just beginning to become self-aware, my memories felt like an anchor. I often woke in the middle of the night in early sobriety, reliving this intense documentary of events, and each time, I felt guilt, shame, and sometimes I said to myself, “why bother?”

Why bother?

Wouldn’t it be nice to be free of all of this? To rid myself of this constant and downward pull? These memories were a part of me, and my first instinct was to pick the up phone and relieve myself of this guilt by saying, “I am so sorry” to an ex-girlfriend or my sister. I wanted to call my father each day and apologize for some new memory of wrongdoing that popped into my head.

After calling a few of these people and saying sorry, I felt amazing for about an hour. I was sincere about feeling sorry. But my sponsor explained that I was doing this selfishly. Selfishly and for me.

The steps, [to me], are in order so I can build the context for an open-minded and honest existence. By the time I would reach Step 8, I would be willing and ready for Step 9. I had to trust the process and believe that things would be the way they are supposed to, as long as I carried those principles of open-mindedness, hard work, honesty, and eventually accountability.

So many unknowns circled my brain. I felt fear in my chest, but I planted my feet firmly on the ground and did my breathing exercises. I was ready to listen to my sponsor again.

“I’m Sorry has no staying power,” he said. it’s how I have used self-pity to gain forgiveness over and over from the same people, only to use them for money once I was done. But making amends – making things right involves listening to the people to whom I have hurt, acknowledging my behaviour, their feelings, and even asking them if I left anything out that they recall. Patience and willingness to avoid rushing the process is absolutely required. As the “offender,” I am no longer on my clock. This isn’t the old days of active addiction. This is recovery. A shot at healthy life.

Being ready to make direct amends and making those amends are two different things altogether. What I was learning was that once I was ready, things would just happen. Looking back at my previous step work, I read my step 4 and one of the columns was full of names. I remembered resenting them all, but those feelings were no longer there. They had been explained and clarified with the help of my sponsor and then given over to my high power. Resentment was gone from my life.

There were no resentments, and yet that list was still there! The spiritual awakening from step four flooded back to me. It was the moment I fully realized I had written a list of people to whom I owed an amends.

I picked up my big book, held it to my chest, closed my eyes, and prayed to my higher power, “Please remove my fears and show me your truth. Show me the harms I have caused with my behavior. Make me willing to make amends to one and all.”

It was important for me to read each name out loud, to practise acknowledgment. Each day for a week I would sit still for 45 minutes to practise being in front of someone and using patience, acceptance and willingness.

I made my first amends within a week of completing step 8. How did I know I was ready? I waited for my sponsor to tell me I had completed Step 8. The last and strongest advice I received was the day before I started Step 9. The advice was not to control the outcome and to prepare myself for that. This meant I have to show up, do the work, and things will turn out how they do.

My last preparation was to rid myself of all expectations from an emends. There is no prize for doing what is right. The reward is doing it.

If you do a proper Step 4, 80% of the work in Step 8 should already be done. You have a list to start with, you have worked on those defects of character, resentments from the past are gone, and you have realized that your list is now a “harms done” list.

I had to ask myself am I willing? All the previous step work to date has gotten me ready for this, and the principles I have picked up along the way only strengthen my resolve. Integrity is a learned principle, and if you want my advice, integrity is the key. I won’t spoil Step 9 for you, because if you have not done one yet, you are in for a real treat.

I have never felt such freedom by taking responsibility and being accountable. Today, when I harm anyone, even by mistake or with a joke, I make every effort to acknowledge and keep my side of the street clean. I wish you all a happy and prosperous experience. God bless.